Cleaning Out

I am a packrat. I keep things that I just can't bring myself to get rid of. I keep things that people gave me so that I don't feel badly about getting rid of them or to remind me of them. I keep things that I know belong to something and think that one day I'll find what it goes with. I can't bring myself to get rid of toys that the kids have, no matter how little they play with them anymore. I live a life of clutter. And I'm disliking it more and more every day. It keeps my house from being clean. It keeps me in a constant state of "pick it up". And I just can't keep going like this.

Saturday, May 23, my church is hosting a yard sale for the Guyana mission field. Every penny we earn will go there. I love the work they do there, and want to donate my time and belongings.

So today I begin cleaning things out. I'm cleaning out the kids toys. The closets. The garage. On top of the fridge. Etc. My plan is to half all of it. Well, except the kids' closets. Their clothes can stay. But mine can't. Neither can Chris'. He will have to help and sort through his things. If I gave away half of everything we own, there would be so much less time spent cleaning and so much more just enjoying being here! I read once that we only use 20% of the things we own. Well, I'm not giving away 80% of my belongings ... but 50% (or close to it) isn't a bad start. I know that this process will take a while ... but I have almost a month! And that's not bad. :)

Weird Dream

You know that family member that I wrote at letter to at the very beginning of it all? The one that I was super annoyed with?

Well, I just had a dream that revolved around that person. I was trying to justify why I didn't spend every minute seeing her while I was in Texas, despite the fact that she never came to see me. And after waking up I realized, apparently her accusations are bothering me. I know that she's always frustrated that I don't see her enough when I'm there, but she's always made family (and me) a last priority so I don't see why I should be obligated to be around her. Oh, but I have to go see her, she can't come to where I am, even though I've traveled over a 1000 miles just to get to the town she's in... driving 3 miles to my parents house is too much work for her. And I know that since she's divorced she thinks that the whole world (especially her family) owes her something to help the "poor poor victim". But I think that she's wrong.

I hate that I allowed her accusations enter my dreams. I hate that I explained myself to her in my dream -- it means that I probably feel like I need to in real life. Because in the end, is she worth the drama? Nope. In the end, does she enhance my life in any measurable way? Not one bit. In the end, do I even like being around her on a short term basis? Not at ALL. So why in the world am I letting her disapproval and her always questioning why I don't bend over backwards for her affect the way I feel? I worst up in the absolute worst funk. (As if I needed help being in a funk.) And that dream is so clear in my memory.

So in line with my New Life Plan (I'll explain later, when I finally finish the post), I'm vowing to not allow her make me feel this way again. I'm not sure yet how I'm going to make it stop, but I've gotta find a way.

What Makes a Good Mother

I would like to start this post out with a couple of shout outs. Two of my favorite Mamas, Kris Marie and Jammie, this post is for you. I hope that neither of you feel judgment or disapproval from me. I may joke with you about what I would do differently, and I may be blunt about what I think you should be doing differently, but when it comes down to it, you're raising amazing children that I know are going to grow into people that are healthy, responsible, and full of personality. I know a lot of mothers and believe that most of them are doing a great job. I may not always agree with the decisions they make, but I do agree with their hearts and can respect their reasoning.




Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6 King James Version

There is no right answer for being a good mother and raising your children well. None. What works for you may not work for me. And what works for me could destroy your family. I've been planning on mimicking Jammie's post on the core values of parenting for my person family soon. But before I do that, I wanted to emphasize this point: We all parent according to our own family and children.

The verse I posted above is frequently used to say that if you do it right, that if you raise your kids in the church, and if you make all the right decisions, that your kids will grow up to be Christians and be the perfect child. And then when your child does NOT grow up to be perfect, that verse is used to make you feel like you failed your child and your church so you therefore have absolutely no business helping other younger parents make the right decisions. WRONG! The more I have studied and been taught about this verse the more I disagree with the normal interpretation. I believe it means that when you raise (or train up -- love that terminology) your child, do it in the way that works for that child. Raise them up according to their personality, according to the (true) desires of their heart, and according to what is best for them, and they will always be people that are confident in themselves and make responsible decisions.

That leads to the question: What does it mean to train up a child? A quick google of "train" definitions, if you ignore the obvious choo choo definitions, leaves you with this:
v. trained, train·ing, trains
v.tr.
1. To coach in or accustom to a mode of behavior or performance.
2. To make proficient with specialized instruction and practice. See Synonyms at teach.
3. To prepare physically, as with a regimen: train athletes for track-and-field competition.
4. To cause (a plant or one's hair) to take a desired course or shape, as by manipulating.
5. To focus on or aim at (a goal, mark, or target); direct. See Synonyms at aim.
v.intr.
1. To give or undergo a course of training: trained daily for the marathon.

I love it. To train up a child means to lead them in the way they should go. To make them proficient in LIFE. A natural part of coaching is discipline. You teach through rewarding positive behavior and using negative discipline for behavior that should be avoided. So I'm going to TRAIN UP my children according to their interests, their personalities, and their personal needs. My children are EXTREMELY different, so I'm going to raise them differently in a lot of areas. I still have the same basic rules. I am doing the best I can for each one. But each of them needs something different, so I respond differently to each child. Kairi may be in preschool at a much earlier age than Alex. If that's what SHE needs. Alex needs a lot more snuggle time and comfort after being disciplined than Kairi. So be it. The point is, each one needs something different, and it's my job as a mother to learn and apply what that is for each child. That's MUCH harder than just picking a parenting method and going with it.

This means that I'm going to learn as much as I can from every person I can possibly talk to, every source I believe could possibly have a positive influence on my parenting, and from my children, and THEN making a decisions that fits my child, our family, and our values. It means that I'm going to listen to my mom's advice, my doctors' advice, my friends' advice, and "the experts'" advice, my gut instinct, and then I'm going to make a decision for our immediate family -- and I may completely ignore every one else's advice and just trust my gut, or I may contradict my gut and follow the advice of those around me. (Trust me, usually mommy instinct is right, though.) I also try to learn from my past experiences, failures and successes, in parenting. I did things differently for Alex as a baby than I did Kairi; and I will always do so because I learned from my mistakes with Kairi.

So when it comes down to it, what makes a good mother in my eyes? Doing the best you can, learning as much as you need to, and then trusting your own decisions. Doing what's best for your child, for your family. Allowing God to guide your decisions. That leaves a lot of room for what you should be doing, doesn't it? I love that God didn't specifically say "Do it this way, the one and only right way, and your kids will be fine". And I know that He didn't because He knew that each of us are different, and that each of us have free will to make our own decisions regardless of our parenting, and that each of us are too imperfect to do it just right.

Today, believe in yourself, and trust your decisions. You ARE a good mother.

A few things

He did eventually sleep.

And now we hope that tonight is not a repeat of last night. Otherwise, tomorrow I'll be the walking dead instead of a character out of The Historian (Elizabeth Kostova). Which I finished today by the way. After having worked on it for a month. I read the last 60+ chapters in the last 4 days. It was good. Not great. But interesting. Here, this is my basic review:

~Hard to follow and engage in the story at first
~Narrator constantly shifting -- could have been done better, but could have been worse I suppose
~Appeals to a true bibliophile and historian
~Story could have been developed better in several spots. I don't like how she excuses herself from doing so in the intro. (Read it and you'll find out what I'm talking about.)
~Waaaaaaaaaaay too many coincidences
~Wraps up suddenly and way too easily

Overall, though, a good story that definitely keeps you thinking about it and wanting more. I really enjoyed it while reading. But be prepared for having to really concentrate. And being disappointed in an easy/quick out for the book. (Seriously, if your book is going to be that long, you might as well finish it up well.) It does have me wanting to read Bram Stoker's Dracula, though.



Oh yeah, and I have an appointment with a rheumatologist May 20 - that was the absolute soonest appointment they had available. Yikes.

He's At It Again

He's been up over 8 times tonight, and it's only 2am. It started when I laid him down for bed 15 minutes early. And it's not stopped. Either the pizza upset his stomach, or he's teething, or he's having bad dreams. But cries of "Nonny! No-nnnnneeeeee!" continue to wake me up at least once an hour if not more often than that. This cannot begin again. So the last couple of times I've walked in, told him to lay down, handed him his blanket and walked out. He's now been quiet for over 20 minutes -- the longest amount of time in the last hour.

MockingbirdKairi

The conversation went as follows:

Mommy: Right now, Miss Hope. Obey me.
Kairi: Ok, ok. Have patience.

To Do

Today's To-Do List -- it MUST be completed before Chris gets home, and since all I did yesterday was reread Twilight, I decided that I probably needed to write down my list somewhere that I could check on it time and time again. Honestly, I didn't feel good yesterday and that's why I spent the day reading. Unfortunately, today I feel worse than I did yesterday but I've already used that excuse, so it has to get done. My one relief is that Chris comes home tonight and can therefore help with the kids. (He had duty yesterday and therefore spent the night on the ship.) But tonight is Wednesday so it's a church night ... so no early bedtimes tonight. Oh well ....

So without any more stalling -- The List:

~ Make bed
~ Sort and fold towels
~ Wash diapers (Maybe I should start this one before folding the towels)
~ Put away clean dishes
~ Wash dirty dishes
~ Take out trash
~ Toys out of the living room
~ Get supper planned and started
~ Straighten the bathroom
~ Rescue string of pearls from my bathroom drain so I can use MY sink again. His is gross.
~ Sweep and mop kitchen floor
~ Lunch prepared and kids fed
~ Litter box cleaned out


Really, that's not too much, is it? I mean, there's a lot on the list, but they're all little things. None of it is the mess that it usually is when I get this overwhelmed.

I'll be back to update as it gets done.

Alex just walked over to me without a diaper on. I quickly smelled that there was poop on his butt. So I plopped him down, cleaned him up and then put on a clean diaper. Then the following conversation happened...

Alex, where's your diaper?
Dipa?
Yes, your diaper. Where is it?
Tas! Tas!
What did you do with it when you took it off, Alex? Where is your diaper?
He grabbed my hand and ran into the kitchen. Pointing at the trash can-- Tas Nonny! Tas! Dipa tas!

I looked in the trash can and sure enough, there was his poopy diaper. After I'm done deep-cleaning this house (hopefully today or tomorrow), I'm going to concentrate on pt'ing Kairi. I'll also pull out the little potty seat and see if we can get Alex interested in it. I don't think he's anywhere near being ready -- but if he's going to be diaperless then I need to try something!



Don't miss the Kairi-isms posted earlier today. ;)

Kairi-isms

I sure are really really hungy, Mommy.


Mommy, I hungy.
I know, baby. I'm going to call Daddy and see what he wants us to do for lunch.
He wants FOOD. FOOD, Mommy. Dat's what he wans fo lunch. Food.


We were having guests over Friday night. I had told her so earlier that day. Then I spent the afternoon cleaning up. She "helped" me and while doing so gave this speech several times.
I have to clean up dis pace! It's such a mess!
It sure is so messy in here! Gotta clean it up!
I'm cleaning! I'm cleaning! Cleaning up Mommy's mess! (Hey now, it's YOUR mess too girl.)

A Lovely Habit .....

I just spent the last 30 minutes or so playing on facebook figuring the budget after having just changed Alex's diaper. I stand up once I am thoroughly convinced that we are flat broke and that either the Navy needs to give us a sudden pay raise or I'm going to have to take some drastic measures to bring more money into the house (we're not seriously that bad off ... but sometimes it feels like it, and truly not the subject right now). Anyway, now that I was completely convinced of our brokeness (word? probably not, but pretend it is) I stood up to check on my son.

He's currently in a disposable diaper because he had diarrhea all day yesterday and if I have the disposables, I might as well use them for diarrhea because I really don't enjoy washing diarrhea out of diapers. I glance over at him to see him spinning in circles. I figured he'd be due for a diaper change soon, but wanted to get something to drink first. As I walked through the living room, I noticed that the chair he had been sitting in has a lovely wet spot. And there are wet spots on the floor .... awesome. I begin to wonder while grabbing towels how in the world he has managed to pee through a diaper in less than an hour. I start soaking up his mess and grab Alex to begin changing his diaper. That's when I realize that the diaper's nearly dry. Confused, I took a moment to survey my son.

He's wearing a very wet tshirt and a diaper. But the diaper is dipping down in front. Wait. No it's not. He has pulled his penis out of his diaper and it's hanging over the top! I begin to lecture him about this habit. His favorite time to do it is in bed so that I have to change his sheets in the middle of the night. And it's made me resort to putting one piece outfits on him at night -- I didn't want to have to do it during the day too!. Just as I yank the diaper off of him and start to pull his shirt off (because the pee apparently shot straight up the shirt) he begins to dance. And then he shouts ankoo ankoo while playing with himself and dancing in circles. *shaking head and rolling eyes with a smile*

I strapped a clean diaper on the boy and continued cleaning up his mess. I thought that cloth might be a better choice to stop this habit, but then he just takes the whole diaper off -- even the ones that snap!

I guess I need to start buying more one piece outfits.

More Blood Drawn

I visited the vampires lab technicians again today. Well, technically my visit was to see the doctor and discuss whether or not I needed to be tested for hemochromotosis, which I do and I already knew, but I pretended to be dumb because Navy doctor's seem to treat you better when you don't know things about medication and diagnoses and treatments. Whatever. Anyway, I went in, played dumb, and he quickly came to the conclusion that yes I needed to be tested. So I had another 5 freaking tubes of blood drawn.

He also, though, surprisingly took me seriously about the joint pain. I say that it was surprising, because the last doctor gave me the impression that she didn't believe me and that my pain couldn't be real because she didn't her labs didn't give a reason for it. Anyway, he is sending me to a rheumatologist. He did warn, though, that while the approval to see the rheumatologist will be here in 7-10 days, that waiting times are horrible. So it may be a while before I actually get to see one.

In the meantime, if I haven't heard anything within 2 weeks about my blood results, I need to call back.

Why is it that....

My definition of clean and Chris' are so wildly different?

On the way home I called and asked him if the house was clean... I just needed to know so that I could be prepared for whatever I walked into. He said that the bedroom had one pile of clothes that needed to be put away, but that otherwise it was all in decent shape. He said that even the laundry was all clean. Ummm...yeah, right.

Kitchen: Dishes from 2 weeks in the sink. Floor covered in things he's dropped. Cabinets, table, and island all look like they haven't been washed off in several days.

Living room: No trash on the floor, but it's covering the couch. Middle of the floor is clear. No toys. But there are little pieces from where he's been trying to repair the 360 all over the floor and coffee table -- because he doesn't have kids that would eat those little pieces. Surely not.

Bedroom: A MOUNTAIN of laundry on the floor next to my side of the bed. Dirty clothes pile on his side of the bed.

Bathroom: Apparently he's been feeding the cat in our bathroom because there were pieces of cat food in there that were covered in ANTS. The trash hasn't been taken out since I left town. And he still hasn't retrieved my pearls from where Kairi "dropped" them down my sink -- so that sink can't be used. His sink is coated in toothpaste and hair from shaving. Oh, and the toilet is DISGUSTING. :-X

Garage: He told me he straightened it. What he meant was, he dug through boxes, left them open, and then shoved them against another wall. And the laundry being done really meant that what he needed to be wear was washed and everything else was left in a pile next to the laundry baskets (you know, instead of IN them), and they reeked of cat pee.



My house is a disaster. I'm sick just thinking about having to clean it.

The Way a Church SHOULD Look

One of the things I'm super passionate about correcting is the way most churches respond to single mothers. In God's eyes, a sin is a sin. Each one separates us from God. Each one causes a rift in our relationship with Him. And each one is forgiven with the same grace and by the same act as the others. So when a young woman steps forward, admits she made a mistake, and then has the courage to stand up to the consequences and not discreetly get rid of it, then the church should rise up and support her. It should wrap their arms around her and tell her how much they love her, that they forgive her, and that they are going to help her as much as they can. They should be proud of her bravery and sympathetic with how much of a struggle she's going to go through.


Sunday morning my church was tested, as well as my love for my church. I love my church very much. I brag on what an amazing church family we have. I invite people. I try to get people from Texas to include Sunday mornings in their trip here so that they will have the time to visit our church. Our best friends are there. It is also the only place I'm guaranteed that Kairi will not have any major freak outs. So needless to say, when when this test came up I was terrified.

To protect her privacy, I'm not going to describe in detail the young lady or the family that went forward. But a young woman stepped forward. She had a note written to the congregation stating that she was sorry because she had sinned. She had hurt herself, her relationship with God, and the church. She admitted she was pregnant and asked for forgiveness. Then we prayed over her. One of the elders prayed over her. But before that elder prayed over her, he did something that I will always remember -- he took the story of casting stones, reminded us of it, and then promised her that we were not casting stones. He told her that we love her, that we forgive her, and that we will help her. He reminded her that God can do great things with our mistakes as long as we allow him to. Then he prayed for her, for her child, and for our church.

After the service she was FLOODED with people loving on her. They accepted her. They loved on her. And they held her close. I'm sure that there were a few that raised their eye brows. I'm sure that there are a few that won't treat her the same again. But in the end, the people that are leaders in our church, and most of the rest, stood up and loved her regardless of her mistakes. I know that she will be loved on and helped out and protected and taken care of by my church.

And THAT my friends, is what a church SHOULD look like. I praise God for the way it was handled.

Lots of Thoughts

First of all, thanks to you all for being around over the last few weeks. It was good to know I could vent to ya'll or just mourn with a sympathetic ear. But I'm working on moving on with life. And my journey to a new normal started with going home!

Tuesday afternoon my mother-in-law arrived in Midland with my car. I knew that the brakes should probably be replaced before I drove anywhere else, so we dropped the car off at Midas Wednesday morning. Oh boy am I glad I did that! So many brake problems ... oy vey. But $540 and 6.5 hours later, I had my car back and we were on the road to my mother-in-law's house. In case you didn't know, she lives on the opposite side of Texas from my parents. It was an 8 hour drive. We made it a little after midnight. I spent Thursday afternoon at their house and enjoyed about 7 hours of sleep that night -- the most sleep I'd had in over a week!

Then Friday morning I woke up and decided that I wanted to make my 2 day trip to Florida take only 1 day. That's right, I drove over 16 hrs in one day ... but we made it home last night! I've enjoyed spending time with Chris -- man I missed him. And the kids are acting so much better now that we've been home.

Kairi has not stopped talking about how her daddy isn't far away anymore. She'll go up to him and say "Daddy, you far away? No! You not far away! YOU HERE!!!!!!" Get the idea that we had to tell her several times over the last month that Daddy was far away?

She also has gone through the house declaring everything she sees to be hers. ;)
"My car!"
"My plate!"
"My doctor toy!"
"My book!"
"My udder book!"
"My new toy!"
"My baby!"
"My bed!"
"My pillow!"

Alex just runs from one room to the other squealing. Oh, and apparently he's comfortable enough to begin throwing fits and saying no. He doesn't do those things in public 90% of the time, but when he's secure in his environment he does. I guess he's been pretty secure today.









Once upon a time I played the violin. Did you know that? I wasn't very good. I didn't practice, I had anxiety attacks every time I had to play solo for a chair test, and I allowed a certain orchestra director to convince me that I wouldn't be good no matter how hard I tried. So I didn't try. I just barely hung in during orchestra. And then I quit my junior year. I got tired of being told how badly I sucked by my director when one of my biggest problems with the anxiety attacks was his constant criticism before I even began playing.

So while I loved the music, I put my violins away and just knew that I would insist that my children learn at an early age and always be encouraged -- never discouraged (and REQUIRED to practice).

Well, my husband is musically talented. He's been encouraging me to at least become familiar with my instrument again, so that I can help Kairi understand the instruments and so that we can both show her a love of music.

While at home I found my old violins (well, 2 of the 3) and brought them back with me. I have spent the evening playing around on the instrument. If I'm this decent after 8-9 years of not playing, I could never have been terrible! I seriously can draw a decent sound out and definitely recognize when I'm out of tune. So I'm going to practice every day and I'm going to learn to play! I want to be confident and dedicated to the violin so that Kairi never sees me shy away from playing in front of someone. I want that confidence to be an example to her. :) Yay for the violin! Besides, it's good therapy. It always helped me feel better.





Monday I'm calling the appointment line and getting an appointment for my hands/joints. I have been avoiding making the call for various reasons, but with Grandad Wall gone, most of my excuses have also passed. And if I'm playing the violin, I'm going to need my hands to work with me!