I know that I should be posting all the cute and funny things my kids do. And I know that I owe a VERY long picture post from the pictures we took in East Texas in February. But I'm having a hard time doing any of that. Really, the only thing I have felt like writing about, I haven't felt like subjecting the few of you who do read my blog to reading about. So I've just not written. It's really hard to work through the death of someone that you loved and cared for very deeply. I have lost people that were close to me before. And I do remember grieving, but being able to move on in a reasonable amount of time. But when you lose two people only 10 days apart, it takes a lot out of you. Everytime I start to feel like I'm going to be ok, something happens that makes the grief for both of them fresh all over again. And the next thing I know, I'm in tears and I'm aching again. Again, I will heal and peace will come, but it's going to be a long road to get there.



Thankfully, an amazing friend came to distract me from the tears and ache today. :) Jammie came and brought her husband, Josh, as well as her children Jaycie and Jacobe. Jaycie is Kairi's age, and minus the "beautiful" haircut Josh gave Jaycie, the two girls look and act VERY similarly. We got the chance to chat last night and then they joined us for lunch today. Afterwards we took the kids to the park and watched them thoroughly enjoy themselves.

Kairi, of course, had mini-meltdowns at first with the equipment and swings, but by the end she was doing fabulously! She swang and ran up and down the play equipment, and rode the horse/snail/motorcycle. She had a blast!

Jammie, Kairi is still asking to see her Jaycie tomorrow. ;) Those girls are destined to be close friends. :)

Kairi Finally Grasps Favorites

Uncle Matt got onto Alex for running on the couch. First of all, note that he did NOT yell. He was firm, but did not yell.

Alex came running into the kitchen where Kairi and I were visiting with family that had come over. He was bawling. Matt followed. We had all heard Matt get onto Alex.

Kairi looked at Alex and began hugging him and pushing Matt away. She then turned to him and yelled:

"No yell at my Alex. He my faborite broffer. NO YELL AT HIM."

Since then we have been introduced to her favorite chair, her favorite blanket, her favorite snack, and her favorite Mimi (my grandmother with Alzheimer's).

Something to think about....

Every one appreciates it when people bring food over after there's been a death in the family. Truly appreciate it. Especially when there are two deaths in a row. It puts the family into shock and having meals already prepared makes life so much easier. But here's something to think about -- fried chicken, don't bring it. Why not bring fried chicken? Because every one else will bring it. And I do mean EVERY ONE. We appreciated it, and ate some, and froze some, and ate some, and froze some more. Our small family was given 5 large packages of fried chicken. FIVE. Plus 2 baked chickens (which were nice changes). It's been over a week since the food first started coming, and we still have chicken. And we have chicken in the freezer.

Other things that have been brought over and greatly appreciated (and by the end appreicated even more because they weren't chicken):
Potato and macaroni salads
Enchiladas and spanish rice
Roast with veggies
Spaghetti
Sandwich platter and bread
FRUIT (grapes, bananas, strawberries, tangarines, and a fruit salad)
Cakes
Cookies
Muffins


The food has been great. We have truly appreciated all that has been done for us. But the next time I bring someone food after a death, it will NOT be fried chicken.

Reflections on peace...

Grandad Bigby is at rest. He fought long and hard and finally had enough this morning at 4:30am. I already miss both of my grandfathers terribly, and will always regret that my children will never know them. But I also know that they are no longer in pain, no longer suffering, and that I will see them again. Peace has settled on my grandfathers.

But my grandads aren't the only ones relieved by their passing. Tonight when the phone rang, the entire house cringed, but because of memories, not out of fear. There will no longer be the constant fear that something terrible has happened. There won't be 11pm phone calls that insist on the family immediately going to the hospital. And if we want to turn off the ringer at 9pm and all go to bed, we can do that and not be afraid of an emergency. Peace has settled in our homes.

And peace will slowly settle in our hearts as well. I can't feel it yet, but I know that it will slowly move into my soul and help heal the pain. I know that it will come and help us to move on with our lives.


Thank all of you for your love and support. I'll try to post a fun picture post soon.

Worth Hanging On To

Most of the past few years I heard the phrase "The friends you make now will stay with you for forever." I heard that about high school, and college. And to some extent that was true -- just not about the people I thought it would.



Katie was one of my best friends in high school, and while we're not extremely close any more, we do spend time together a couple times a year. We call and txt from time to time. We remember each other's birthdays. I did know that I would stay close to her, but I never thought that she'd be the only one that I stayed in regular contact with. Our lives have taken us in completely different directions, but we make the effort to stay connected. I love that about her.

In college I had a lot of friends that I thought would have been forever-friends. Especially those I went to church with. And some of them are. We're distant, but still try to stay in contact. A lot of them I still love very much, but we just don't have much to say to each other any more. Not without bringing up issues that none of us really want to address.

But out of all my friends there, the one I feel the closest to now, was one I went to school with (not church) and really considered more of an aquaintance than a friend. I thought she was nice, and enjoyed talking to her, but our circles rarely crossed, especially by the end. Kris Marie and I reconnected via MySpace about the time she became pregnant with her adorable little girl and I have truly enjoyed getting to know her. I trust that this is a friendship that will continue to grow as our little ones grow.




No one ever told me, though, that the closest and best friends I could ever hope for would spring from a message board with over a thousand random members. I joined a popular mom's message board group for women pregnant and due in August 2006. I didn't join until after our children were born, and even after I did I had a hard time getting involved. But very slowly that huge message board developed several private spin-off boards. And after several different spin-offs that I followed from one group to another, I discovered myself surrounded by the best of the best, at least in my humble opinion. Three girls on that board have made their homes in my heart. They are as close as family. Jammie, Nikki, and Joyce are my confidants, the people I call/im when I need support or to vent. We share baby stories, family stories, frustrations, joys, and successes.

Jammie and I bonded very early on through a mutual obsession with Richard Dean Anderson (and subsequently, Stargate SG1). After that discovery, we also learned that our daugthers are very similar (and could be twins when you look at them), we have a TON in common, and that we both are military wives. This lady has been my rock through many things in the last 2 1/2 years. I couldn't ask for a better friend, counselor, or accountability partner.

Nikki's son and my daughter should never be allowed to be in the same room together, as their personalities are so similar that before long, the entire room would be destroyed and we would be having to replace all breakables and some of the furniture. Nikki and I may not always agree on politics, but we share a faith and a sense of morals and ethics that keep us on the same page. We encourage each other and lean on each other for support. And I love our no holds barred relationship -- there is truly no such thing as too much information between us.

I can honestly say that I'm not sure exactly when Joyce and I started becoming close. It just sorta happened. And I love that it did. She is another military wife, which makes it so easy to relate. I know that she made an impact on my husband the day I was 37 weeks pregnant with Alex and hadn't checked in with the girls online so she went out of her way to call me and check on me. She is so extremely caring and generous. But she won't hesitate to kick my butt into gear on cleaning if I ask her too! She is my resident ass kicker, or RAK, since she is truly the person that inspires me to keep working even though I have no desire to keep it clean. I need that. She also is a person that can make me laugh and feel better, no matter what else is going wrong.

All three of these women I share a faith with, books with, and constantly find us to have more of a like mind than I realized the day before.




Out of the 5 people I just listed, I have come to find that all five of them are what's truly worth hanging on to in my life (of course my family falls into that category too, but that's not what I'm talking about here). Their friendships and support carry me through the day to day crap. I know that God placed each one of them in my life in order to be a "forever-friend" as each one of them shows Him to me.

The last few weeks/months have been extremely difficult on my family and have reminded me to look around to see what I have that is truly worth hanging on to and fighting for, but these 5 have been the constants that I needed. I don't know what I'd do without them.

I love you girls!

It Needs to Freaking STOP

In case you hadn't heard yet, I'm in Midland. I finally made it Thursday night. Plane ride stories later. Lots of stories later, if I find the time after answering multiple Facebook messages. Thank you to everyone who wrote to me there.

But for now. I want it all to stop. I'm overwhelmed. We expected Grandad Wall to get better very quickly. But he didn't -- he made a huge turn for the worse. So instead, we're burying him Tuesday.

Grandad Bigby started to look better as well. But as of today, he probably won't make it through tonight or the next couple of days.

And I'm getting sick.

My kids aren't sleeping at night any more. (Nor do we often have time for full naps.)

And I miss my husband. A lot.


I just want things to start moving at a slower pace. I want a break. And I want to sleep ... for a LOOOOOOOONG time.

Drama Queen Extreme

You know your daughter is a drama queen when a meltdown ensues simply because you chose to wash her hands with a wet wipe instead of a wash rag.






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


In other news, both of my grandads are failing -- the news only gets worse day by day. That is why I'm not around. I'm waiting on pins and needles for our in tax refund to come in. The moment it does, I'm buying plane tickets to Midland.

I can't concentrate on anything right now -- it's already taken me nearly 30 minutes just to write this b/c I keep getting up and walking in circles and then sitting down and looking at webpages I've already seen. All I seem capable of doing is staring into space, walking in circles, and crying. None of which are good things to do when you have 2 toddlers.

Every day for the past 4 days, Chris has insisted on going somewhere as soon as he got home to get my mind off of it. It usually involved him purchasing something (very inexpensive somethings) for me. I could really enjoy and get used to that if it wasn't for the circumstances around it.

Chris left today for at least 2 weeks. I don't know how I'm going to survive these next few days stuck in Jax without him. I'm already aching with loneliness and feeling a bit desperate. I'm used to 2 weeks by myself at a time, so I know I'm only this bothered by it because of the situation in Texas.


See, didn't I say that March had declared war on me?

Please pray for both Grandads' peace, for their health, and for my money to come in in time for me to get out there before something happens.

Library Day

Before I begin this post I need to clarify something. While I complain and joke about my children's behavior, especially Kairi's, in all actuality my kids are fairly well-behaved in public. So much so that I frequently get "how do you do it?"s and "you must be an amazing mother"s and "you need to help my daughter/son with her/his children"s and "I adore your children -- they mind you so well!"s. Seriously, I don't go out in public without hearing at least one of those once or twice. I hear it at church, at Walmart, at the commissary, on base, everywhere. I don't have any super impressive tips. I have some theories, but I also know that no one strategy works for every kid. I'm just thankful that my theories work with MY kids. Regardless, my kids behave in public. I expect it. Maybe I even take it for granted. That being said, I need to tell you about our library day today.


I decided that instead of buying books, I would just check them out of the library. It will be so much cheaper that way. So I packed up the kids and took them. I brought toys for them to play with while I looked at books. I was going to have them pick out books to read. We talked about how we use quiet inside voices at the library to not bother other people. We got out of the truck and headed inside. Alex walked in between Kairi and I holding hands. We were a "quiet train" as we walked inside.

We got me a new library card (as Kairi helped to lose my old one), and then headed off to look at books. I had specific authors in mind and went straight to their sections. First 2 books I grabbed both kids were fine. Kairi spun in slow circles next to me singing her abc's while Alex gently ran his hands over the spins of each book saying "ooooh ooooh". Our train got louder as we moved to the next section. By the third section, I broke out the toys. I set them on a bench and offered them the small sampling of toys I had. I turned to grab my book, when they dropped a toy. I told Kairi to get down, pick it up, and then sit back on the bench. She did so, and then her grin showed up. She and Alex spent the next 3 minutes throwing their toys and running after them. The whole while I tried to quietly INSIST that they behave. They got worse. And worse. I tried to distract them. They got worse. I disciplined them. No response. I finally picked them up and moved them -- we went to the kids' room. Our "quiet train" was now a loud noisy street race.

All the librarians oooed and awwwed over them. That was not helping my case. Kairi and Alex truly seem to believe that if people think that they're angels that they can get away with murder. Nothing I said made an impact. I gave each a book and tried to sit on the reading mat to read their books to them. Neither child would hold still long enough to do so. I tried to let them read to themselves, but they kept running over to the box to grab a new book, while throwing the old book on the ground behind them. The librarians laughed and told me that I could clean it when they were done, but this behavior was NOT acceptable. I kept being told that they were just being kids ... but to me this is NOT how MY kids behave. I packed them up. We headed to the self-checkout.

Alex refused to allow Kairi to touch him as we walked across the library. Kairi wanted me to hold her, but I was holding 12 books, 4 of mine and 8 of theirs, and trying to hold Alex's hand. We made it to the self-checkout center. I put each child on the floor next to me and told them that if they had any hope of going to church, that they would be silent and still. Of course they weren't. But they weren't running in circles or throwing toys or screaming anymore. Well, Kairi cried a few times. Each time loudly announcing "Mommy, you scawee. You mad at Kai-wee. You make Kaiwee crwy. So scawee." Dozens of people were trying to stifle their laughter -- a few didn't succeed. It encouraged her. She got louder. But we did make it out of there.

A kind lady walked behind Kairi on our way out the door to make sure she didn't bolt on me. I got the kids in the car, she went on her way, and I drove around for 10 minutes making the kids be quiet before I was willing to head to church.


You know, they probably really weren't as bad as they felt in my head. They still got compliments. They still were laughed at and awwwed over. But they drove me insane. I was thinking about taking them to story time tomorrow, but I'm just not sure now. We'll have to see......

Fiddler on the Roof

is coming to Jacksonville. With Topol. TOPOL PEOPLE! TOPOL! Topol made the movie for me. He made Tevye real.

I've seen Fiddler on stage before. But it wasn't the same. Tevye was flat. Actually, most of the characters were flat. Micah and I sat next to each other through it, quoting lines to each other. Annoyed that it wasn't right, they didn't say it right. They skipped lines. They skipped scenes. They didn't understand the culture they were supposed to be portraying. They didn't understand the depth of the story. They didn't understand that this was a true story in so many ways. They didn't understand that they were not only telling the story of a few girls and their relationship with their father, that they were not only telling the story of a Jewish community before the Russian revolution, but that they were telling the story of anyone that got in the way of the revolutionaries in Russia, they were telling a story of faith and growth, they were telling the story of change, they were telling a story of family, they were telling a story that spoke to my soul. I can identify with so many of the characters. But I couldn't watching it that time. Micah and I had to go find the movie and watch it afterwards. We had to in order to heal our wounds at hearing our Fiddler so tortuously portrayed. They were dead. They made the story feel dead.

But with Topol .... with Topol it should be different. He knows the story. He lives the story. It was as if he was born to play the role of Tevye. I can't even describe what a difference Topol makes when playing in this story. I suppose it IS possible that I just saw a bad cast, but something tells me that Topol playing Tevye would make or break the stage performance for me.

For semi-decent seats, it would cost Chris and I $56.20 to go see it. That's not all that terrible, right? It's not like I'm asking him to spend $100+ on the performance (and that's just for the next level up seats). And I'm not asking him to take me to several showings of it. I'm not asking to go to the theatre ever weekend (but wouldn't that be FUN?). I'm only asking that for one Thursday night, we get someone to watch the kids and we go see Fiddler, we go see Topol in Fiddler.

After all. It's TOPOL. And it's his farewell tour. And it's TOPOL.

Besides, he owes me. He didn't take me to Midland. And I may never have the chance to say goodbye to my grandads because of it. So he owes me. Topol is NOT too much to ask to help make up for it.



UPDATE: 3-4-09
Chris said yes! We're going!

28 more days and counting....

***I started this post yesterday, but my husband surprised me by coming home. It was an amazing surprise.***




I hate March. Absolutely abhor it. I know it seems ridiculous to detest a month that is nothing more than a man-created time frame to help record the events of life, but I do.

Let me explain. This year is just a classic example of what bothers me about March.

March 1st: Grandad Bigby is admitted to the hospital
March 2nd: Grandad Wall is admitted to the hopsital
March 3rd: Chris leaves town
March 4th: Would have been Tara's birthday
March 6th: Chris is home again
March 10th: Chris leaves again
March 19th: Follow up with Dr. Weiss to see if Kairi's grown any
March 20th: 3rd Anniversary of Tara's death / Chris is home again


March is always stressful. It always begins with bad news and it only continues throughout the month. Thankfully, April always seems amazing due to how bad March is, but I would rather just not experience March at all. So for this March I made a decision ... I am going to hide inside a book for every moment that I'm capable of doing so. It should be easier this way. And it's good for my kids to see me engaged and loving my books. But it also means that I may not be blogging as often. Maybe I can keep a running tab of all the books I've read this month. That'll encourage me to keep going.



For anyone curious, the link below is the story that explains what happened to Tara. She was one of my roommates in college. We shared a 4 bedroom apartment with 3 other girls. She wasn't the one I was closest to, but she WAS important to me. And I still miss her -- tremendously.
http://www.lubbockonline.com/stories/032206/loc_032206038.shtml