The journey this last fall has taken me on has been hard. I felt like my life was crumbling and I couldn't get my hands closed tight enough to keep it from sliding through my fingers. I didn't blog through a lot of it -- mainly because I wasn't sure what I wanted to share with the entire world and what I would want to have shared once this time passed. I would like to say that we're past that time, but I will admit that that may be a bit premature. My marriage still needs work especially when facing a deployment (although, not near as much as it did), Alex's communication skills are getting worse, financial stress is still there (just thankfully to a lesser degree), and I'm still battling with my health as well.
Here's what's not premature though -- admitting that I will never be able to hold my hands together enough to keep it from all falling apart. There is evil in this world. Jesus came to defeat that evil, but until He comes back for the final time that evil will continue to work and will leave it's mark on my life. That doesn't mean, though, that I have to play the victim. I know that my Savior is willing to carry me through it. He's willing to work in me to defeat evil, but I have to give Him control. I like having control -- I crave it. But everytime I try to take control, it makes life worse for me. I was born with a sin-disease that taints my decisions. His guiding through my life isn't tainted by sin.
This fall when I went to turn it back over to my God, I realized that it was harder to do than I expected. For one, I was having a hard time letting go. And for another, I found that He was farther away than I had expected -- not that that was His fault. Not at all -- I shoulder that blame completely. I found that in turning control over to Him, I was also having to draw myself back into Him.
And it helped. Oh boy, did it help. Even in those areas that still need work -- and there's a lot of them -- I don't feel overwhelmed anymore. I don't feel like screaming, crying, and/or giving up. Instead I know that I'm supported by a gracious Savior that will carry me through the roughest of times.
Rough times are still ahead of us. "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart."
Chris deploys in 10 days. Of those 10 days, Chris works (all day -- no coming home at all) for 4 of them, I'm going to be gone for 2 of the days he works and 2 of the days he doesn't. So that leaves 4 days that I get to spend with him. That's going to be hard. Add the rest of life to the mix, and I know that that only way to keep my head above water right now is to rely on God. So this time, instead of waiting for things to get bad to to draw myself into God -- I'm starting where I'm already at and going deeper in.
Mom's Toolbox is starting on January 1st a campaign to read the entire Bible in 90 days and she's asking others to join in. It means committing approximately an hour a day for 90 days to reading the Bible. I'm so excited to join her on this journey. I'm excited to see the "big picture" again; I'm excited to see how the little details fit into the big picture; I'm excited to reread the parts I'd forgotten as well as being excited to reread my favorite stories. Most importantly, I'm excited to remember that whether I have physically have a husband by my side right now supporting me or not, that I have a husband in Christ that is the perfect support and strength. I know that with Him I can not only survive this deployment, but I can make it good. :)
If you're interested in joining this journey through the Bible, visit Mom's Toolbox. I'd be thrilled to have you doing it too so we can read, discuss it together, and hold each other accountable. :)
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Alex Update
I was right in wanting Alex's to be looked at closer. He has "borderline hearing" which may be a result of his congestion (going on week #3 of a cold) or may be more serious than that. We won't know until the congestion clears up and are hoping that that's the case by February as we have another hearing test scheduled for then. Both the doctor and audiologist agreed that he needed to at least be evaluated for speech therapy as he's very difficult to understand and much louder than necessary.
Also, because he snores and has this constant congestion, the doctor is worried that his adenoids are enlarged, so we'll be checking those in February as well. If they are enlarged, we may discuss removal of them.
In the meantime, I spent this afternoon chasing phone numbers trying to figure out who I'm supposed to really be talking to about Alex being evaluated for speech therapy. If it happens, I won't be upset as it means that we're that means that we're that much closer to losing frustrations -- and it certainly can't hurt anything. If the hearing problems AREN'T caused by his congestion and there is obviously no fluid on his ears right now, then I'm not sure where we go from there. One step at a time I suppose.
Also, because he snores and has this constant congestion, the doctor is worried that his adenoids are enlarged, so we'll be checking those in February as well. If they are enlarged, we may discuss removal of them.
In the meantime, I spent this afternoon chasing phone numbers trying to figure out who I'm supposed to really be talking to about Alex being evaluated for speech therapy. If it happens, I won't be upset as it means that we're that means that we're that much closer to losing frustrations -- and it certainly can't hurt anything. If the hearing problems AREN'T caused by his congestion and there is obviously no fluid on his ears right now, then I'm not sure where we go from there. One step at a time I suppose.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Here's Hoping
That today is better than yesterday. Yesterday wasn't bad, per-sea, but it ended up w/ me being exhausted, not everything done that needed to be done, and kids being so tired that they didn't sleep well.
My brother Micah is getting married in 12 days. ♥ I love him and his bride to be, Janice, very very much and have been blessed with being asked for both Kairi and I to be in the wedding. Kairi's the flower girl and I had promised that I would supply her dress knowing how tight things can get in a wedding. Between finances being super tight, sickness, trip to Texas, and more sickness, I JUST got to go looking for her dress though. And we spent 5 hours at the mall looking. Oh my goodness, it was a nightmare. Thankfully Chris had Alex and they got to spend most of their day together and it was a good time for the, leaving me to just deal with one child at the mall, but it was still hard. And not only dealing w/ her at the mall for 5 hours, but then having to reexplain to every single cashier, older person, and the little "elves" running around the mall that we don't do Santa in our house so please don't bring him up (not to mention that Santa is parked in front of Sears, the store that we had to go through in order to get anywhere) ... it got old fast.
Browsing through the dresses with Kairi was fun, at first, though. She kept finding random dresses and going "Dis is what we want Mommy. Dis one will work. See Mommy? It's so pretty. Dis is de one. Let's buy it!" Not one of those dresses would have worked though. LOL We did eventually find her a dress. It's gorgeous and technically 2 sizes too big, but it will brush the floor and be pretty. My mom is going to make her a wrap to go with it as it's sleeveless and the wedding is outdoors (in December!).
We also, though, found hats. The Dillards at this mall isn't your normal Dillards. They call it a clearance center and basically any thing that doesn't get sold through other seasons, goes there on majorly reduced prices. While trying to find a dress that would work, Kairi spotted something. "MOMMY! DERE'S MY HATS! MY GARDEN HATS!" Garden hats??? I looked over and saw what she was talking about little girl Easter hats with pretty ribbons. She ran over before I had the chance to tell her not right now and started jamming as many on her head as she could. If I had let her, we would have walked out of the store with at least 5 hats. I made her narrow it down to 3. At $3/hat, I didn't think that that was bad, and she was sooo excited about them. It did teach me, though, that I need to get Alex a cowboy hat. He's been running around putting on the Easter hats (and Kairi's one pink cowboy hat) and shouting YEEHAW! It's adorable, but driving Chris insane. I keep hearing "YEEHAW!" "Alex, that's a girls' hat, take it off!" "No Daddy! YEEHAW! MINE!" lmbo...
Speaking of Alex, I need to get him ready. We have an ENT appointment this morning. I'm going to insist that someone listen to what I'm saying about his speech. It's driving me insane. He's not getting better. I can barely understand him. Kairi translates for us 90% of the time. And it's frustrating for Mommy, frustrating for Alex, and a general mess.
My brother Micah is getting married in 12 days. ♥ I love him and his bride to be, Janice, very very much and have been blessed with being asked for both Kairi and I to be in the wedding. Kairi's the flower girl and I had promised that I would supply her dress knowing how tight things can get in a wedding. Between finances being super tight, sickness, trip to Texas, and more sickness, I JUST got to go looking for her dress though. And we spent 5 hours at the mall looking. Oh my goodness, it was a nightmare. Thankfully Chris had Alex and they got to spend most of their day together and it was a good time for the, leaving me to just deal with one child at the mall, but it was still hard. And not only dealing w/ her at the mall for 5 hours, but then having to reexplain to every single cashier, older person, and the little "elves" running around the mall that we don't do Santa in our house so please don't bring him up (not to mention that Santa is parked in front of Sears, the store that we had to go through in order to get anywhere) ... it got old fast.
Browsing through the dresses with Kairi was fun, at first, though. She kept finding random dresses and going "Dis is what we want Mommy. Dis one will work. See Mommy? It's so pretty. Dis is de one. Let's buy it!" Not one of those dresses would have worked though. LOL We did eventually find her a dress. It's gorgeous and technically 2 sizes too big, but it will brush the floor and be pretty. My mom is going to make her a wrap to go with it as it's sleeveless and the wedding is outdoors (in December!).
We also, though, found hats. The Dillards at this mall isn't your normal Dillards. They call it a clearance center and basically any thing that doesn't get sold through other seasons, goes there on majorly reduced prices. While trying to find a dress that would work, Kairi spotted something. "MOMMY! DERE'S MY HATS! MY GARDEN HATS!" Garden hats??? I looked over and saw what she was talking about little girl Easter hats with pretty ribbons. She ran over before I had the chance to tell her not right now and started jamming as many on her head as she could. If I had let her, we would have walked out of the store with at least 5 hats. I made her narrow it down to 3. At $3/hat, I didn't think that that was bad, and she was sooo excited about them. It did teach me, though, that I need to get Alex a cowboy hat. He's been running around putting on the Easter hats (and Kairi's one pink cowboy hat) and shouting YEEHAW! It's adorable, but driving Chris insane. I keep hearing "YEEHAW!" "Alex, that's a girls' hat, take it off!" "No Daddy! YEEHAW! MINE!" lmbo...
Speaking of Alex, I need to get him ready. We have an ENT appointment this morning. I'm going to insist that someone listen to what I'm saying about his speech. It's driving me insane. He's not getting better. I can barely understand him. Kairi translates for us 90% of the time. And it's frustrating for Mommy, frustrating for Alex, and a general mess.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
A New "Diet"
Chris has battled kidney stones for a while. They hit unexpectedly and always at the worst moment. Days before Kairi was born. At 2am of the first night we were able to get a little bit of sleep for the first time in several nights because of sick kids. The morning we're supposed to be getting on a plane and heading to Texas for Chris' first vacation in 2 years. Always at horrible times.
A few months ago he saw a urologist who offered us some hope. He ran some tests and said that he would be able to determine the type of kidney stone Chris was having and that there was a possibility of being able to treat him for the kidney stones and make them at least slow down if not completely stop. Friday morning Chris had the follow up appointment. I was anxious to hear what the verdict was -- trying to be hopeful that it would be easy to deal with and not something to worry about (as depending on the type of kidney stone, it could be an indication of a kidney disease).
The final word is that his kidney stones are made up of calcium-oxalate, the most common kind of kidney stone, and the least concerning. Which is good, for the most part... nothing serious is related to these stones so it's not a real indication of anything really being wrong. What it also means, though, is that there's not a truly "easy" treatment. We're having to adjust his diet. I was definitely not opposed to doing so, but seeing the list of good vs bad foods for his diet has left me floundering. He's supposed to avoid excessive animal proteins, foods high in carbs esp whole wheat foods (there goes bread, pasta, potatoes, and rice), and anything that's considered to be high in oxalates. The oxalate list contains things such as black pepper, beans (of any sort including green beans), berries, parsley, tomatoes and all tomato products (yikes!), and on and on the list grows. Let me just say, this will take some getting used to. I feel a little selfish but am just a tiny bit glad that I only have to make this work for the next 2 1/2 weeks, then I get to go back to cooking normally. I just have to figure this out for when he gets back home.....
A few months ago he saw a urologist who offered us some hope. He ran some tests and said that he would be able to determine the type of kidney stone Chris was having and that there was a possibility of being able to treat him for the kidney stones and make them at least slow down if not completely stop. Friday morning Chris had the follow up appointment. I was anxious to hear what the verdict was -- trying to be hopeful that it would be easy to deal with and not something to worry about (as depending on the type of kidney stone, it could be an indication of a kidney disease).
The final word is that his kidney stones are made up of calcium-oxalate, the most common kind of kidney stone, and the least concerning. Which is good, for the most part... nothing serious is related to these stones so it's not a real indication of anything really being wrong. What it also means, though, is that there's not a truly "easy" treatment. We're having to adjust his diet. I was definitely not opposed to doing so, but seeing the list of good vs bad foods for his diet has left me floundering. He's supposed to avoid excessive animal proteins, foods high in carbs esp whole wheat foods (there goes bread, pasta, potatoes, and rice), and anything that's considered to be high in oxalates. The oxalate list contains things such as black pepper, beans (of any sort including green beans), berries, parsley, tomatoes and all tomato products (yikes!), and on and on the list grows. Let me just say, this will take some getting used to. I feel a little selfish but am just a tiny bit glad that I only have to make this work for the next 2 1/2 weeks, then I get to go back to cooking normally. I just have to figure this out for when he gets back home.....
Friday, December 11, 2009
I don't even know where to start
We made it to Texas for Chris' pre-deployment leave. It was great to spend time with family and friends. There were too many cute moments to list w/ the kids and too many fun times with family to explain. I would detail it in pictures, but the camera battery died before I had a chance to take pictures.
There was one cute moment that I can't help but tell about Kairi. Earlier that evening I got onto her for screaming out of the van's window at me and when I got inside the van she went on and on and on about how she was just trying to tell me that my phone was ringing. I recounted the incident to Chris about 5 minutes later and told him that I apparently broke her heart when she was just trying to help me. She quickly interjected into our conversation ''My heart's not broke Mommy! It can't be broke! I need it!'' ♥
Other than that we're simply counting down the days till Chris leaves. It's like 21 days or so, which breaks my heart.
Of course we're going through the stages of preparing for deployment which involves more arguing that we'd like right now. But at the same time we're trying to desperately savor each moment together. Such a hard balance to find ... between enjoying each moment together and trying to find a separate spot for each of us as we know that before long we're going to have to stand on our own in our own worlds. There are the moments when I want nothing more than for him to just be gone already, and then moments later I'm bawling at the thought of him leaving.
Emotional train wreck = me
We've started talking to Kairi about Chris' upcoming deployment. Which of course means that we're talking to Alex about it too, but he doesn't understand nearly as much as she does. In trying to bolster her connection and faith in her daddy, we're telling Kairi that Daddy is going to go fight the bad guys so that he can keep her safe -- he's protecting us from them because he's a good daddy and loves us very much. I was never truly comfortable with the idea of telling her that Daddy is fighting bad guys because 1) I didn't want to have to talk about there being bad guys at this young of an age as right now everyone is a potential friend in her mind and I love her feeling safe and secure and 2) because she already goes around ''hi-YA-ing'' random things, I didn't want to give her any reason where it might actually happen. Not only that, but she always has such a hard time understanding that there are true bad guys on shows. We were watching Snow White the other day and while she knew that the Witch did bad things, she still didn't believe that the Witch was truly bad and didn't want to the Witch to be hurt. She just doesn't understand it. And I'm not ready for her to understand it. But if I just told her that Daddy was going to work she wouldn't understand as Daddy always comes home within a day or two of working. I was also worried that once he's back that she'd think he was leaving for months at a time every time he left for work. She has extreme separation anxiety as it is, I am hoping that the idea that Daddy is keeping her safe will help it not become as severe as it could become in the next few months. But be prepared for me to post over and over again about the horrors that separation anxiety causes my daughter to commit. lol
Since coming home we have lived in the house of sick. I have asthmatic bronchitis and the kids are pouring snot from their noses and goop from their eyes. If they had a fever or cough I'd run them to the dr, but as it's just tons and tons and tons of drainage, I'm trying to wait it out. The question comes to when have I waited long enough? Alex has had goopy crusty eyes for over 1 1/2 weeks now. Decisions decisions...
I have 2 million things to do right now but being sick keeps me from being able to concentrate on things. I should make myself a list tomorrow for things to start on Monday and tick them off one by one to make sure it all gets done.
Oh! How could I forget? We flew out to Texas, but drove home. We were given my grandfather's van. It's a 2002 but with only 37k miles! It's so very nice and perfect for our family. This is great for us as it means that we're going to be able to sell the car and get a huge break in our finances. I love seeing things start to ease up for us. :)
There was one cute moment that I can't help but tell about Kairi. Earlier that evening I got onto her for screaming out of the van's window at me and when I got inside the van she went on and on and on about how she was just trying to tell me that my phone was ringing. I recounted the incident to Chris about 5 minutes later and told him that I apparently broke her heart when she was just trying to help me. She quickly interjected into our conversation ''My heart's not broke Mommy! It can't be broke! I need it!'' ♥
Other than that we're simply counting down the days till Chris leaves. It's like 21 days or so, which breaks my heart.
Of course we're going through the stages of preparing for deployment which involves more arguing that we'd like right now. But at the same time we're trying to desperately savor each moment together. Such a hard balance to find ... between enjoying each moment together and trying to find a separate spot for each of us as we know that before long we're going to have to stand on our own in our own worlds. There are the moments when I want nothing more than for him to just be gone already, and then moments later I'm bawling at the thought of him leaving.
Emotional train wreck = me
We've started talking to Kairi about Chris' upcoming deployment. Which of course means that we're talking to Alex about it too, but he doesn't understand nearly as much as she does. In trying to bolster her connection and faith in her daddy, we're telling Kairi that Daddy is going to go fight the bad guys so that he can keep her safe -- he's protecting us from them because he's a good daddy and loves us very much. I was never truly comfortable with the idea of telling her that Daddy is fighting bad guys because 1) I didn't want to have to talk about there being bad guys at this young of an age as right now everyone is a potential friend in her mind and I love her feeling safe and secure and 2) because she already goes around ''hi-YA-ing'' random things, I didn't want to give her any reason where it might actually happen. Not only that, but she always has such a hard time understanding that there are true bad guys on shows. We were watching Snow White the other day and while she knew that the Witch did bad things, she still didn't believe that the Witch was truly bad and didn't want to the Witch to be hurt. She just doesn't understand it. And I'm not ready for her to understand it. But if I just told her that Daddy was going to work she wouldn't understand as Daddy always comes home within a day or two of working. I was also worried that once he's back that she'd think he was leaving for months at a time every time he left for work. She has extreme separation anxiety as it is, I am hoping that the idea that Daddy is keeping her safe will help it not become as severe as it could become in the next few months. But be prepared for me to post over and over again about the horrors that separation anxiety causes my daughter to commit. lol
Since coming home we have lived in the house of sick. I have asthmatic bronchitis and the kids are pouring snot from their noses and goop from their eyes. If they had a fever or cough I'd run them to the dr, but as it's just tons and tons and tons of drainage, I'm trying to wait it out. The question comes to when have I waited long enough? Alex has had goopy crusty eyes for over 1 1/2 weeks now. Decisions decisions...
I have 2 million things to do right now but being sick keeps me from being able to concentrate on things. I should make myself a list tomorrow for things to start on Monday and tick them off one by one to make sure it all gets done.
Oh! How could I forget? We flew out to Texas, but drove home. We were given my grandfather's van. It's a 2002 but with only 37k miles! It's so very nice and perfect for our family. This is great for us as it means that we're going to be able to sell the car and get a huge break in our finances. I love seeing things start to ease up for us. :)
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