Reading the Bible -- in 90 Days

The journey this last fall has taken me on has been hard. I felt like my life was crumbling and I couldn't get my hands closed tight enough to keep it from sliding through my fingers. I didn't blog through a lot of it -- mainly because I wasn't sure what I wanted to share with the entire world and what I would want to have shared once this time passed. I would like to say that we're past that time, but I will admit that that may be a bit premature. My marriage still needs work especially when facing a deployment (although, not near as much as it did), Alex's communication skills are getting worse, financial stress is still there (just thankfully to a lesser degree), and I'm still battling with my health as well.

Here's what's not premature though -- admitting that I will never be able to hold my hands together enough to keep it from all falling apart. There is evil in this world. Jesus came to defeat that evil, but until He comes back for the final time that evil will continue to work and will leave it's mark on my life. That doesn't mean, though, that I have to play the victim. I know that my Savior is willing to carry me through it. He's willing to work in me to defeat evil, but I have to give Him control. I like having control -- I crave it. But everytime I try to take control, it makes life worse for me. I was born with a sin-disease that taints my decisions. His guiding through my life isn't tainted by sin.

This fall when I went to turn it back over to my God, I realized that it was harder to do than I expected. For one, I was having a hard time letting go. And for another, I found that He was farther away than I had expected -- not that that was His fault. Not at all -- I shoulder that blame completely. I found that in turning control over to Him, I was also having to draw myself back into Him.

And it helped. Oh boy, did it help. Even in those areas that still need work -- and there's a lot of them -- I don't feel overwhelmed anymore. I don't feel like screaming, crying, and/or giving up. Instead I know that I'm supported by a gracious Savior that will carry me through the roughest of times.

Rough times are still ahead of us. "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart."

Chris deploys in 10 days. Of those 10 days, Chris works (all day -- no coming home at all) for 4 of them, I'm going to be gone for 2 of the days he works and 2 of the days he doesn't. So that leaves 4 days that I get to spend with him. That's going to be hard. Add the rest of life to the mix, and I know that that only way to keep my head above water right now is to rely on God. So this time, instead of waiting for things to get bad to to draw myself into God -- I'm starting where I'm already at and going deeper in.



Mom's Toolbox is starting on January 1st a campaign to read the entire Bible in 90 days and she's asking others to join in. It means committing approximately an hour a day for 90 days to reading the Bible. I'm so excited to join her on this journey. I'm excited to see the "big picture" again; I'm excited to see how the little details fit into the big picture; I'm excited to reread the parts I'd forgotten as well as being excited to reread my favorite stories. Most importantly, I'm excited to remember that whether I have physically have a husband by my side right now supporting me or not, that I have a husband in Christ that is the perfect support and strength. I know that with Him I can not only survive this deployment, but I can make it good. :)




If you're interested in joining this journey through the Bible, visit Mom's Toolbox. I'd be thrilled to have you doing it too so we can read, discuss it together, and hold each other accountable. :)

I don't even know where to start

We made it to Texas for Chris' pre-deployment leave. It was great to spend time with family and friends. There were too many cute moments to list w/ the kids and too many fun times with family to explain. I would detail it in pictures, but the camera battery died before I had a chance to take pictures.

There was one cute moment that I can't help but tell about Kairi. Earlier that evening I got onto her for screaming out of the van's window at me and when I got inside the van she went on and on and on about how she was just trying to tell me that my phone was ringing. I recounted the incident to Chris about 5 minutes later and told him that I apparently broke her heart when she was just trying to help me. She quickly interjected into our conversation ''My heart's not broke Mommy! It can't be broke! I need it!'' ♥




Other than that we're simply counting down the days till Chris leaves. It's like 21 days or so, which breaks my heart.

Of course we're going through the stages of preparing for deployment which involves more arguing that we'd like right now. But at the same time we're trying to desperately savor each moment together. Such a hard balance to find ... between enjoying each moment together and trying to find a separate spot for each of us as we know that before long we're going to have to stand on our own in our own worlds. There are the moments when I want nothing more than for him to just be gone already, and then moments later I'm bawling at the thought of him leaving.
Emotional train wreck = me




We've started talking to Kairi about Chris' upcoming deployment. Which of course means that we're talking to Alex about it too, but he doesn't understand nearly as much as she does. In trying to bolster her connection and faith in her daddy, we're telling Kairi that Daddy is going to go fight the bad guys so that he can keep her safe -- he's protecting us from them because he's a good daddy and loves us very much. I was never truly comfortable with the idea of telling her that Daddy is fighting bad guys because 1) I didn't want to have to talk about there being bad guys at this young of an age as right now everyone is a potential friend in her mind and I love her feeling safe and secure and 2) because she already goes around ''hi-YA-ing'' random things, I didn't want to give her any reason where it might actually happen. Not only that, but she always has such a hard time understanding that there are true bad guys on shows. We were watching Snow White the other day and while she knew that the Witch did bad things, she still didn't believe that the Witch was truly bad and didn't want to the Witch to be hurt. She just doesn't understand it. And I'm not ready for her to understand it. But if I just told her that Daddy was going to work she wouldn't understand as Daddy always comes home within a day or two of working. I was also worried that once he's back that she'd think he was leaving for months at a time every time he left for work. She has extreme separation anxiety as it is, I am hoping that the idea that Daddy is keeping her safe will help it not become as severe as it could become in the next few months. But be prepared for me to post over and over again about the horrors that separation anxiety causes my daughter to commit. lol



Since coming home we have lived in the house of sick. I have asthmatic bronchitis and the kids are pouring snot from their noses and goop from their eyes. If they had a fever or cough I'd run them to the dr, but as it's just tons and tons and tons of drainage, I'm trying to wait it out. The question comes to when have I waited long enough? Alex has had goopy crusty eyes for over 1 1/2 weeks now. Decisions decisions...



I have 2 million things to do right now but being sick keeps me from being able to concentrate on things. I should make myself a list tomorrow for things to start on Monday and tick them off one by one to make sure it all gets done.



Oh! How could I forget? We flew out to Texas, but drove home. We were given my grandfather's van. It's a 2002 but with only 37k miles! It's so very nice and perfect for our family. This is great for us as it means that we're going to be able to sell the car and get a huge break in our finances. I love seeing things start to ease up for us. :)

I took a break

I took a blogging break. A much needed blogging break. I thought that I was going to start up again when I posted the little note about the oven door, but things suddenly got worse instead of better. But now that we're on the upward swing, and on the count down to deployment, I'm going to try to pick it back up. So if it feels like I've avoided you or your blog, rest assured that it had nothing to do with you. Just needed to get somethings worked out is all.


At some point I may try to summarize the past month but that point probably isn't today. Instead, let me tell you about the next couple of months for us.

Chris left Sunday morning to go underway for just over 2 weeks. He'll be home (and on leave!) on the 23rd. On the 24th we're going to go see New Moon in theaters. Still looking for a babysitter for that -- so if you're available sometime that day, let me know! lol We're flying out on the 25th to Midland. I'm excited that we're headed to Midland this time instead of Longview as my parents haven't seen Chris since before his LAST deployment! That's over 2 years! My mom jokes that she won't be able to recognize him when we get there. We have a lot of people we need to see in a very short period of time. We'll take that Saturday to drive up to Lubbock to see Chris' brother and sister-in-law to see their new baby. Chris' parents will meet us there and and we'll do Thanksgiving/Christmas with all of them. We have to be back here by the 7th, so we don't have a lot of time to fit it everyone ... but we're going to try!

Then Chris starts having duty every 3 days. I hate it when there's that much duty time, it's like he's gone before he's really gone. And his final duty day is the day before he deploys, so really, our goodbyes will have to be said 2 days before his deployment. Two days doesn't usually sound like a lot, but when it's the last few moments you'll get before your husband leaves for war ... that seems like an eternity. Not to mention that we're already losing two days so that Kairi and I can be in my brothers' wedding on the 28th -- which I'm not willing to give up -- but still. It seems like more and more time is being cut into and it makes me sad.


Needless to say, the next two months will be rushed and fly by ... which parts of me are ok with that ... the sooner he leaves the sooner he's back. But part of me wishes that time would just stop moving for a while.


In the meantime, I'm making plans for what we'll do once he goes. I'm not moving back to Texas during that time (obviously as we JUST moved into the condo) so I need to have a plan of action. So far that involves working on teaching Kairi to read (she REALLY wants to learn), music lessons for the kids, possibly getting them into a marshal arts class as well, losing weight (as is the ever constant battle), and selling more Mary Kay to help afford the extra things. If I can keep us busy enough, the time should pass more quickly, and hopefully with less fits.

So that's what our future looks like. You'll notice on the top right there's a countdown for the days until Chris' deployment. If nothing else, it serves as a reminded of how important it is to cherish the few moments we have left.

So that straw I was talking about ...

While the rest of the family didn't feel it, I did Sunday night. Not going into details, but basically I spent all Sunday night and all day yesterday bawling. I'm feeling a little bit better about it right now. No one died or got sick -- just a situation that I'm not completely comfortable with occurred. Thankfully, as soon as I got home Sunday night, Chris recognized how upset I was, and he held me for 30 minutes while I cried and yelled and cried some more. His shirt was drenched in tears, and I looked like a raccoon by the time I was done. But I was so thankful that he was home to listen.



~~~~~~~~~~~

Speaking of him being home: The reasoning behind THIS POST, where I blogged about having to accept things no matter how hard they might be ... isn't going to happen! This I CAN now tell you about.
That morning Chris was at sea with the ship. He emailed me with the news that there was a chance that he would be deployed apart from the rest of the ship on July 20 for 383 days, including training time. He would be going to work at an Army base in Afghanistan. That scared the crap out of me. There were 3 ships that had to put up someone to go, then after those people were voluntold volunteered, someone higher up would select which of those three would go. Chris' ship already has lost 13 people this way, one of those from his division. Apparently, the higher ups agreed that Chris was needed on his ship because of this. So he's not going! HURRAY! HURRAY! HURRAY! I'm so thankful that he'll be home until the original deployment date. And thankful that original deployment is as short as it is.

Second post of the day and it's not even 10am

I would just like to point out, that if you are trusting God to take care of your family, and you tell Him that you will trust and accept His will in your life, that you can't suddenly declare it to be Satan at work just because you don't like what looks like a strong possibility of happening.

A fairly common situation.....

You are a military family. You are putting your trust in God to take care of your family. Suddenly, you learn that your husband may be leaving 4 months earlier than expected, for twice as long as expected. You (and your family) can not suddenly declare that Satan is attacking you just because you don't see the reasoning behind him needing to be sent away. Your kids definitely need their daddy ... you definitely want your husband home ... but just because you don't see how this would benefit you in the long run doesn't mean that it's NOT in God's will. It's a time to trust Him.



Yeah, I'm preaching to certain family members here ... and myself some. So in a couple of months when I'm crying about how unfair the whole situation is ... if it gets to that point of course ... remind me that I promised that I would be trusting God. Obviously I'm going to cry because he's gone and I miss him -- that's only normal. And I'll cry because of all the things he and the kids will miss -- it's to be expected. I'll probably cry about not having a break as well. But I do NOT want to find myself crying because I'm angry at God for allowing it to happen.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
Isaiah 55:8