Irrational Fears

For the most part, I consider myself a laid back mom. What will happen will happen and all I can do is trust God to take care of her. When Kairi was first born we were able to battle through nearly loosing her to starvation and multiple overheating cars in 105 degree weather. I even spent multiple hours in a strangers vehicle with the baby and my cat on the side of a highway. It was scary stuff. And now the rest doesn't seem so big and important.

Now, don't get me wrong, I still baby proofed. I watch food contents. I had my kids rear facing as long as I could (ie until Chris made me turn them around). I still watch them like a hawk when we're in unfamiliar territory. I take care of my kids. But I don't obsess over it. They can play in rooms by themselves, I just accept the fact that it's going to mean extra cleaning. If I have to leave for a second to grab a towel while they're bathing, I don't panic. They can play in the backyard w/ me inside (but always right next to the open door), as long as I can hear them and have checked the yard first for snakes and/or random objects the neighbors through over the fence during their last party.



I'm comfortable with all the things I listed above ... or else I wouldn't list them obviously. I completely and totally trust that God to take my children through the bumps, scratches, and occasional er visits. I know that my kids are going to be ok, and that they have to learn independent play. And I know that these things don't make me a bad mother. So I trust God, and for the most part just let it be.

But I have the absolute most irrational fear ever. Giving Alex peanut butter.

Kairi has an intolerance to peanuts. At least, she did. The first 2 times she touched a peanut shell she had hives come up where she had touched them to her face. That was 2 years ago. We have spent the last 2 years avoiding contact with peanuts. At her 2 year well-visit we discussed it with Dr Weiss. He agreed that if it was an allergy it was a mild one, but he wanted us to slowly (VERY slowly) introduce peanuts to her environment and eventually to her so that we would know the extent of her intolerance/allergy ... but to always do it when I could get her to an er quickly, just in case.

She tolerated all the introductions to peanuts well. I was allowing peanut products to stay in the house (and I even ate a few) while only requiring that Chris be sure he not give her anything without reading the label. Then when I was so sick 2 weeks ago, I suddenly found her shoving one of my cereal bars into her mouth that she had sneaked out of the pantry. Yes, they were "Almond" bars, but they have ground peanuts in them. I was in a panic. At which point Chris goes "Oh, I didn't know they had peanuts in them. I thought that it was only almond. I gave her one yesterday." First, I threw a fit because he didn't read the label. But then it hit me, she didn't react to it. She ate a peanut product and was ok. Now, I'm not giving her peanut butter yet. But slowly we're going to continue introducing her to peanut products ... not quite as slowly as before. And she's going to be ok. So it's official, it was an intolerance, not an allergy.

Then recently the recommended age for introducing peanut products changed. It was stated that most current research indicates that waiting longer periods of time to introduce peanuts and other likely allergens was NOT improving the child allergy stats so therefore they are not preventing allergies. And researchers in Britain have begun to develop therapies for children with severe allergies to peanuts which they're hoping to extend to other common food allergens where they slowly introduce children with extreme allergies to the they're allergic to until their bodies are capable of tolerating the allergen.

And finally, Alex has been exposed to, touched, and even ingested food with peanut products. He hasn't shown a single hint of an allergy or intolerance to peanuts.




So after all that's been said, will some one PLEASE tell me why in the world every time I think that I might make him a peanut butter sandwich to try I start to feel an overwhelming panic? I feel like my whole chest suddenly seizes up and I'm no longer able to think rationally. I can in no way make myself give him a peanut butter sandwich. I know that the chances of him having a reaction to them are less than 1%. I know that even if he does have a reaction I can call 911 and the ambulance will be here in less than 10 minutes (it took 4 when I had to call one for Chris).

I have NEVER experienced this kind of panic before. I didn't even panic this badly when Kairi was eating the cereal bar. Usually my panic happens AFTER an event. And it makes no sense. His doctor has even started encouraging me to let him have some peanut butter. But I can't get over this fear. Maybe I need Chris to make the sandwich for me and feed it to him when I'm not home..... But then I'll be in hysterics while I'm not home.




Ok, so that's my irrational parenting fear -- feeding my son that I already know isn't allergic to peanuts, peanut butter. What's yours? Please tell me that you have one and that I'm not alone in this stupid cycle......