It's Like Riding a Bicylce ... Right?

It's been so long since I blogged, that I've set here staring at the computer screen for the last several minutes trying to figure out what in the world I'm going to write about. I browsed through Twitter trying to remember the things I mini-blogged about, just in case one of those struck my interest. I looked at my profile on Facebook and realized that there were a few people that I forgot to reply to. I looked at my email and my phone for clues of things that have happened and been of import. But none of those helped me.

I almost wrote a blog about tv watching. Which would be an interesting one for sure.... But I just don't have it put together in my head yet.



So instead, can I just use this moment to gripe about living with uncertainties? In general, I'm a planner. I need to have specific times for events, specific plans for the day, schedules, time to prepare myself for future events, etc. Kairi's a lot like me in that, except with Kairi she has complete meltdowns if not given the proper preparations -- I just cry or shut down emotionally.

I had to come to rely on schedules when in elementary school. I have ADD, but instead of going through the process of being diagnosed and later medicated (which my parents did not want), my teacher believed that it was mild enough in me that she might be able to help me. And she DID help. Together, we forced me to become a planner. If I don't have a plan, nothing gets done. If I don't have specific goals, nothing is accomplished and I flounder for hours/days/years.

Parenting is hard for me because it's hard to plan. And then when I DO plan, I over-plan and then have way too much scheduled. Finding that balance is hard for me. I need to have a loose schedule.

Beyond that, though, I need to have an idea what tomorrow, the next week, the next few months will hold for me and my family. I need to have a schedule of when people are going to be here and when they're going to leave. I need time to prepare, whether that's physically prepare, or mentally, or emotionally. Give me that time to prepare.

So when the Navy tells us one day that Chris isn't leaving again until September. Then changes it's mind and says, no he's leaving tomorrow for 3 weeks. And then postpones that 3 week period everyday saying "not until tomorrow" ... Can you imagine how frustrating that can be for me?

I spent the first 2 days of "he's leaving tomorrow" crying. Mainly because I hadn't had time to prepare myself for him to leave. But also because when they're in the military, you can't help but worry when your spouse has to leave within 24 hours.

By day 3, I stopped crying over it, and felt like it'd be better if it just happened. I had prepared myself for him to leave. I planned my meals around him not being home. I planned my next few weeks around him not being around. Suddenly he WAS going to be home, and I wasn't sure how to handle it anymore.

Now we're playing the 24 hour on-call game. If he gets a call from the ship, he leaves within 24 hours. If he doesn't get a call from the ship, things like duty and normal work days continue.

So that leaves me with the question. What in the world do I do about Kairi's birthday party?

No matter what, the day OF her birthday he's not going to be home. He either has duty that day, or will be out to sea. Either way, no party that day. So we were going to have her party on the 8th. A friend of Chris' is making our cake. It's a pirate themed party. Then when we were first told that he was leaving for 3 weeks, we changed our minds and started planning for the 15th. Except, now if he leaves, he'll be gone then too.

What in the world do I do?!?

I can prepare myself emotionally for him to leave. I am prepared. The morning he leaves I'll cry for about 5 minutes by myself in my bedroom, then I'll hear Alex call for me, I'll stop crying and face the day. I'll be happy and content knowing that whatever happens, my children love me and need me. And we'll probably go to the park that day to make it pass faster.

I can prepare myself mentally for him to leave knowing that I have plans in place for activities while he's gone. We certainly won't be sitting around the house all day.

I AM prepared physically for him to leave -- all the things he'd need are washed and ready for him to take. He has all the other things he'll want to take with him (books, video games, etc) ready. I even have most of our grocery shopping done so that I don't have to run to the store with both kids very often while he's gone. Shoot, I've even pilfered the credit card from his wallet so that if there is an emergency, I have it.


But this party thing ... I feel at a loss to prepare for. And it's important because this is the first year she's KNOWN that she has a birthday and that that means a party. This is the first year that she's picked out her party theme. This is the first year that Chris has helped me plan the party.

So I'm floundering again. I'm avoiding planning in hopes that everything clears up all on it's own -- the sooner the better. I'm pretending that she doesn't turn 3 in ONE WEEK. And I'm avoiding phone calls from family that discuss what to get her for her birthday so that I don't have to think about it.