My confession....

So do you remember this post? You know, the one where I committed to reading the Bible in 90 days? I was excited, and while I wasn't buying a new Bible at that moment, I knew I could keep up with the reading in my own Bible. I was determined to not let anything keep me from doing it.

And then came January 1st... the only thing I was thinking about on January 1st was that my husband was leaving the next day. And my desperate need to spend every waking moment with him because of that. And January 2nd all I could think about was that my husband had left. Then by January 3rd, I was more concerned with being able to breathe than reading. That's how it started ... the 2 1/2 weeks of asthmatic bronchitis that left me barely able to walk from one side of the room to another without having a coughing fit that would leave me in a heap on the floor. Reading the Bible didn't even cross my mind during those first few days.

Now, that's not to say that God didn't have a lesson for me during those times. Because He did. He reminded me that He led my family to the church we attend for a reason. When I was in the middle of a "can't believe I'm 1000 miles away from the people that would help me with the kids -- I can't do this -- what am I thinking?!?" pity party while sick one night, I suddenly realized that I needed to call someone for gatorade. There was no way I was going to survive the night, let alone the next few months if I didn't get myself hydrated, and since I could barely hold anything down .... gatorade sounded like a good idea. So I called, and gatorade was brought for me, frozen pizza for the kids. From that night on, there was not a night that I had to cook. Food was provided, little things that you might need around the house were brought, babysitters volunteered to take the kids so I could nap, and no one did anything more than once for us. Our church family poured love and blessings over our family. And all it took from me was being willing to admit that I couldn't handle it on my own, asking God to find a way to help us through it, and then calling a lady from church for help on ONE night. Women that I barely knew were bringing us things and offering to clean my house and do my laundry.... Talk about a humbling experience.

But even though I was being reminded by God that HE is the one that is carrying me through this deployment, and that HE will make sure that we're taken care of, I still wasn't reading my Bible. I just forgot. And when I did remember, I felt so guilty that I made myself forget.


Sunday was my first Sunday at church since before Chris left. I left it exhausted, but also challenged. Joel, our preacher, challenged us all to read our Bibles for 2 hours a day for 30 days and to see the changes that God would bring in our lives from that time spent with Him. And while Joel preached, I knew I had to do it. Not only because I wanted to take Joel up on his challenge, but because I was soooooo far behind on the 90 days! It would get me caught up and help me recommit to spending more time with God. My first thought was that I'd read 2 days worth of reading per day. I had thought that one day's reading would last me about an hour, so 2 days should give me 2 hours. I was wrong. It took me 3 days reading the first day to get me 2 hours. And last night, it took me 4 days of reading for me to get 1 1/2 hours. And I promise that I'm not speed reading or skimming (well, I occasionally skim the name lists), I just read that fast. So I may be done with this read the Bible in 90 Days challenge a lot sooner than March 31st..... Actually, once I'm caught up, I plan on reading other parts of the Bible while reading just the daily reading with the Bible in 90 Days program.

But either way, I'm excited to be doing it. I do need to start reading earlier in the evening. Starting at 9 or 10pm only makes me exhausted in the morning. But either way, I'm happy to be doing it and not feeling nearly as guilty as I've now caught up w/ week one so I'm only 20 days behind instead of being 27 days behind....


Over the next few days I may post some of my reflections on what I've read so far. Right now I'm just in awe over the things that I knew but had forgotten.



Wait, here's something that I was a little dumbfounded over at first, but then realized is probably typical of what humans do on a regular basis. Abraham, twice, told a king that his wife was his sister. Both times he was reprimanded by God and by the king once the truth came out. Both times the KING paid Abraham and apologized, even though the only person who had done anything wrong was Abraham by lying. First, it struck me how frightened others must of been of Abraham's God -- my God -- that they were scared of offending Him even when they weren't the ones that had sinned. I think it speaks for how much God hates sin that they were truly terrified of invoking God's wrath because the only way they would know that God hates sin that much is if someone had truly offended God and been punished. I am so thankful that we have Christ who intercedes on our behalf so that I don't have to be that terrified to approach my God when I have sinned.
Also, the only way we know these stories is because the history of the Jewish people was passed through an oral history -- children memorizing word for word what had happened in their people's past, until it reached Moses who recorded it for future generations (and even then, it was still memorized word for word). So in order for us to know that Abraham sinned both times, he had to have told Isaac. But Isaac did the exact same thing with Rebekah! He told a king that she was his sister because he was scared that he would be killed in order to take her from him. He again was rebuked by both God and king, but was still given many gifts in order to prevent his God from being angry with the king. Shouldn't he have known better?!? Of course he should have. But how many times do we repeat the same mistakes that our parents or our grandparents or our friends made? Yet God still loves us. He still calls us His own. He still draws us into Him and cares for us. Even when we sin and break covenant with Him, He still keeps covenant with us. He knows we're going to sin, and probably make the same mistakes more than once, but loves us anyway. He is truly a gracious God.

Reading the Bible -- in 90 Days

The journey this last fall has taken me on has been hard. I felt like my life was crumbling and I couldn't get my hands closed tight enough to keep it from sliding through my fingers. I didn't blog through a lot of it -- mainly because I wasn't sure what I wanted to share with the entire world and what I would want to have shared once this time passed. I would like to say that we're past that time, but I will admit that that may be a bit premature. My marriage still needs work especially when facing a deployment (although, not near as much as it did), Alex's communication skills are getting worse, financial stress is still there (just thankfully to a lesser degree), and I'm still battling with my health as well.

Here's what's not premature though -- admitting that I will never be able to hold my hands together enough to keep it from all falling apart. There is evil in this world. Jesus came to defeat that evil, but until He comes back for the final time that evil will continue to work and will leave it's mark on my life. That doesn't mean, though, that I have to play the victim. I know that my Savior is willing to carry me through it. He's willing to work in me to defeat evil, but I have to give Him control. I like having control -- I crave it. But everytime I try to take control, it makes life worse for me. I was born with a sin-disease that taints my decisions. His guiding through my life isn't tainted by sin.

This fall when I went to turn it back over to my God, I realized that it was harder to do than I expected. For one, I was having a hard time letting go. And for another, I found that He was farther away than I had expected -- not that that was His fault. Not at all -- I shoulder that blame completely. I found that in turning control over to Him, I was also having to draw myself back into Him.

And it helped. Oh boy, did it help. Even in those areas that still need work -- and there's a lot of them -- I don't feel overwhelmed anymore. I don't feel like screaming, crying, and/or giving up. Instead I know that I'm supported by a gracious Savior that will carry me through the roughest of times.

Rough times are still ahead of us. "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart."

Chris deploys in 10 days. Of those 10 days, Chris works (all day -- no coming home at all) for 4 of them, I'm going to be gone for 2 of the days he works and 2 of the days he doesn't. So that leaves 4 days that I get to spend with him. That's going to be hard. Add the rest of life to the mix, and I know that that only way to keep my head above water right now is to rely on God. So this time, instead of waiting for things to get bad to to draw myself into God -- I'm starting where I'm already at and going deeper in.



Mom's Toolbox is starting on January 1st a campaign to read the entire Bible in 90 days and she's asking others to join in. It means committing approximately an hour a day for 90 days to reading the Bible. I'm so excited to join her on this journey. I'm excited to see the "big picture" again; I'm excited to see how the little details fit into the big picture; I'm excited to reread the parts I'd forgotten as well as being excited to reread my favorite stories. Most importantly, I'm excited to remember that whether I have physically have a husband by my side right now supporting me or not, that I have a husband in Christ that is the perfect support and strength. I know that with Him I can not only survive this deployment, but I can make it good. :)




If you're interested in joining this journey through the Bible, visit Mom's Toolbox. I'd be thrilled to have you doing it too so we can read, discuss it together, and hold each other accountable. :)